sweden = ripping it to shreds....motherf*cker

as quickly as you can, snatch the pebble from my hand.

David Carradine's wife and his manager disputed suggestions that the actor's death was a suicide, while rescue workers and police in Bangkok, Thailand, said the actor's neck and genitals were found bound with rope.

A member of the emergency crew who was called to the hotel after a maid found Carradine told CNN that a yellow nylon rope was tied around the actor's neck and a black rope was around his genitals. Police later confirmed that information.

say it ain't so grasshopper.
well, i guess he should have taken the advice of jonah hill in knocked up.

"Tell him he shouldn't jerk off with a noose around his neck, it's dangerous. Oh, and tell him if he does, he should have a teammate or a spotter."

full story here

i can has genetic chemical mutations?

The long-haired white feline was born a normal kitten, but started to develop furry wing-like appendages on either side of its back when it was just a year old.
Scientists believe the growths may be the result of a genetic mutation caused by chemicals during its mother's pregnancy. Alternatively, the cat which was discovered in Chongqing, China, may be a freak that developed from two embryos.
However, the puss does not seem to be bothered by its wings, and it was quick enough to swoop on any cat biscuits dished up.
Chongqing is known as one of China's hottest cities and, following the discovery of this cat, the air there is certainly getting a bit moggy

When your cat mysteriously grows wings, its time to move. Actually when you're living in the hottest city in china, its definitely time to move. I hate walking near chinatown during the summer, i can't even imagine how much the hottest city in china smells like absolute garbage.

Did scientists ever consider this cat simply wants to fly the fuck out of china?

Signs

I'm just happy to see you.

SANTA ANA, Calif. – Prosecutors say a traveler tried smuggling songbirds into the United States by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs and trying to walk out of Los Angeles International Airport.

Sony Dong and another man were charged Tuesday with conspiracy in an eight-count federal indictment. Messages left with their public defenders weren't immediately returned.

The U.S. attorney's office says Dong was held over for inspection at the airport when he returned from Vietnam earlier this month. Prosecutors say he had bird feathers and droppings on his socks, and birds' tail feathers peeking out from under his pants.

Smuggling birds? really!!!???
The only good news here is that i've found the most hilariously awesome name known to man....Sony Dong.
Listen dong, I know smuggling songbirds may net you about $360 per bird, and with about 12 birds on you that's about $4320. wow. congratulations you're not rich.

lets do some math:
So How much are tickets to vietnam? Hmmmm we'll call it $1100, but believe me if i'm smuggling birds in my pants don't think for 2 seconds i'm not upgrading to first class. It's one thing to sit on a plane with birds shitting in your socks, but once you get those free drinks and hot towels its a whole different ballgame.

Ok so with first class tickets that's probably about $2000, so he's only netting around $2320.

What a coincidence because that's exactly how much i'd pay to NOT have 12 birds shitting in my shoes while on a 900 hour flight accross planet earth.

Serial Grapist

This is, hands down, the funniest thing i've seen in a long time.

The dating game

Bachelor #1

Louis is a self proclaimed "wild and crazy guy" and a "Barrel of laughs", who lives with roomates. Those roomates just so happen to be his parents who wished Louis would take his ritalin. His parents also discredit his "barrel of laughs" statement with their own idiom..."a barrel of dissapointment".
His weekends are filled with disturbing japanese anime fantasies,dungeon and dragon quests to increase his sorcerers dexterity, and doing chores to earn his allowance.
One year from now Louis hopes to have passed level 17, grown shoulders and stopped "losing at life".

Bachelor #2

Danny is a sensitive handyman with the delicate physique of a tennis player. An avid gardener who is often seen digging in his backyard into the wee hours during thunderstorms, while dragging large contractor bags behind him. Danny describes himself as "warm and sensempheze" and a deep thinker who's idea of a romantic dream date is: a...romantic...dream...date, wit roses and mooosic. Danny's handler, Jim, describes him as a simple man who sometimes confuses every day activities as super powers, such as urinating or walking. Jim also wished danny actually had looked both ways before crossing that street.

Bachelor #3

Ronald is looking for anyone who will go out with him.
A true patriot whos "fading glory"(an advanced mullet) can only be kept at bay with an american flag doo rag.
Ronald, or playa59, is fed up with gold diggers who only want him for his money ever since his voice over work on the movie "sling blade".
He's a poet who loves to woo the ladies with his mastery of the haiku:

'Let's go to Wal-mart
need cheese puffs and wine coolers
Damn, the house won't start'

Ronald hopes to simply find someone who'll "just get me another busch".

To start, press Any key. So where's the ANY key?

Below is an epic FAIL email thread hot off the presses.
A customer support friend of mine, here at work, found himself in an interesting battle of wits against a top CEO of another company. However, shortly after reading the first 8 characters of the CEO's email, I began to suspect he was simply a 12 year old Dominican boy with displaced anger from the world baseball classic loss to the Netherlands.

I'm pretty sure the only thing this guy is in charge of is taking out the garbaje and recycling on Tuesdays and picking up his little brother from mariachi practice Saturday afternoons.

From: ESIVOIP
Sent: Sunday, March 22, 2009 7:51 PM
To: USA - Customer Support
Cc: EUSupport
Subject: Request Access To Customer Portal

I atended a Web inorder to atten thi was forced to instal I tais xxxxxxx A piso Of. Garbaje , , now not let me remove it , i need instruction how remove this junk idmediate io lossing time and frose my computer i i ca't do my work . if you do not get back to me idmediate i will sue you companys for a 100.000 per Hour , you entrape the people to use this garbaje and do not allow to remove , you have 24 to replay , additional i will put all over the internet this way no one use this Garbaje and abuse to force you to use , you ber call me idmediate

Mr. Escobar
ESI VOIP
________________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 10:44 AM
To: ESIVOIP
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

Mr. Escobar,

If you want to remove the xxxxxxx software all you have to do is uninstall it from Add/Remove programs in Windows (any version).
The xxxxxxx software can't prevent you from uninstalling it, so if you are having trouble removing the software you may need to check with your IT for further assistance.

Thank You,
Customer Support

________________________________

From: ESIVOIP
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 12:20 PM
To: Customer Support
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

I did it the stupid software lacks when I intent to remove you need to get some one to call me and , I will give access to see what dos this is entrapment from xxxxxxxx to force people to keep your Junk , as I say before I will star take action and put over the internet this way no one will use this Junk .

Mr.Escobar
ESI VOIP

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 1:49 PM
To: ESIVOIP
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

Mr.Escobar,

Again, I will explain how to remove the software:

1. Go to Start > Settings > Control Panel

2. Open "Add or Remove Programs" and search for AT&T Connect Participant

3. Select it and choose "Remove"

Our software does not have the ability to force you to use it, I am not sure why you are claiming that. As your company, ESI VOIP, is not an xxxxxxxxx customer I assume you downloaded the application when you attended a web event hosted by one of our customers.

Our application also does not have the ability to prevent you from uninstalling it. This means if you still cannot uninstall the software with my simple instructions above, your issue is not with xxxxxxxxx but with your own computer.


Customer Support

________________________________

From: ESIVOIP [xxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 2:02 PM
To: Customer Support
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

What you think I am stupid? That is an insult I going to trash you so bad over the internet that you company will be sorry I know how do it , is your Garbage that some how Delivery Blocking to not allow to be removed you have a major Bug , after I do it still the stupid Logo of xxxxxxx, show as remove and then frizz the computer .

Get your act together and get me out of that Junk .

Mr.Escobar
ESI VOIP

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
To: ESIVOIP
Sent: Mon Mar 23 14:19:57 2009
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

Mr.Escobar,

You should check with your IT at this point, anything blocking you from removing our client is not related to our installation package.

Please understand we have thousands of users that install and uninstall our software every day. What you are describing is not a feature of our software, we do not try to prevent a user from uninstalling anything. If you lack Administrator rights, or perhaps you installed the software under a different user account, you may need to log in as Administrator to uninstall it. This is something only you can verify.

As you are determined to be confrontational and very unprofessional at this point I will no longer be assisting you. Consider this my last email response.

Customer Support

I'd rather be poor.

BEIJING (Reuters) – Only two memories brought tears to Sun Yaoting's eyes in old age -- the day his father cut off his genitals, and the day his family threw away the pickled remains that should have made him a whole man again at death.

For centuries in China, the only men from outside the imperial family who were allowed into the Forbidden City's private quarters were castrated ones. They effectively swapped their reproductive organs for a hope of exclusive access to the emperor that made some into rich and influential politicians

Guess where i'd really have no desire to waltz through back in old school china? That's right, the forbidden city's private quarters. Considering i'd have to cut off my own private quarters to gain access, it really doesn't sound like a good business decision. Also, correct me if i'm wrong here, but isn't the whole purpose of becoming rich and famous the ability to USE your genitals on individuals that are way out of your league and/or age bracket? I like to call this the Michael douglas effect.

I'm pretty sure a eunuch woke up, forgetting what happened and thought, "wow i'm so rich and famou....oh no I almost forgot I don't have my genitals anymore...lol lol lol". Hey, sometimes I wake up on Thursday and totally think it's Friday, so man that could have definitely happened.

But think the most important lesson here is that ancient china was filled will bad decision making, genital-less individuals who built a big wall to keep people with genitals out of their country.

Another good lesson is not to cut off your genitals.

Bow to your sensei

Naked man sought karate fight

GETTYSBURG, Pa., March 10 (UPI) -- Authorities in Pennsylvania said a man pleaded guilty to indecent exposure after he emerged naked from his home and challenged his neighbors to a karate fight.

Gary Jones, 47, pleaded guilty to a first-degree misdemeanor charge. Three children less than 16 years of age were among those who saw him walk out of his house naked, The (Hanover, Pa.) Evening Sun reported Tuesday.

Jones, of Gettysburg, was sentenced to one month in jail followed by two months of house arrest and 21 months of probation. He was also ordered to avoid contact with his neighbors and to pay a $200 fine.

Police said Jones emerged naked from his home after consuming alcohol Aug. 1 and approached neighbors Dennis Hucks, Gary Kerns and Andrea Orndorff while Huck's three children played nearby. He told the men that he knew karate and asked if any of them wanted to fight.

Jones allegedly told officers that he knew leaving his house naked was illegal, but he came out anyway because he is a "serious martial artist."

First of all, why didn't anyone accept his challenge? This seems like a slam dunk win for anyone who isn't named Gary Jones. What happened to freedom of speech and freedom of martial arts? Isn't this type of behavior covered under our constitution or the geneva convention?

If serious-naked-drunk karate is wrong, then I sure as hell don't ever want to be right.

I really hope the cop who arrested him knocked down that setup gary left for him.

Gary: "I know leaving my house naked is illegal, but i'm a serious martial artist"
Cop: "well sir, you are seriously going to jail".

zing!