I fucking hate nickelback. True story.

These guys are way better than that moppy haired douchebag chad kroeger.

DOUCHEBAG------------------>

holy guacamole

My love too, for guacamole, knows no bounds.
Did anyone else notice that the plaintiff is the one and only Wilford Brimley?
The only better ending to this video could have been a short summation by Brim himself:

"Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley and I have Diabeeeetis. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and I took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?!"

Yet even with the addition of the above speech, it still cannot come close to mustache.


Ladies and gentleman, i give you Mustache.









































Mustache

No woman no cry

I have watched this video 47 times and it never gets old.
See you in hell.

I'm not handicaped i'm just lazy

HAIFA, Israel (Reuters) - paralyzed for the past 20 years, former Israeli paratrooper Radi Kaiof now walks down the street with a dim mechanical hum. That is the sound of an electronic exoskeleton moving the 41-year-old's legs and propelling him forward -- with a proud expression on his face -- as passersby stare in surprise. Something of a mix between the exoskeleton of a crustacean and the suit worn by comic hero Iron Man, ReWalk helps paraplegics -- people paralyzed below the waist -- to stand, walk and climb stairs.

Wow. I could have totally used this last weekend when i walked 3000 blocks in nyc.

Never have i been more jealous of handicapped people.
Except when they take the best parking spots.

45 year old man offers his hog to children.

HARLAN — A felony sex charge has been dismissed against Otis “Bullman” Hensley Jr., a two-time candidate for governor who was arrested after he offered to trade “a good fattening hog” for two female children in a supermarket.

Listen, if I had a big juicy hog at home I'd be the first one to incessantly brag to everyone within earshot about it. However, I do know that offering your big hog to a stranger in exchange for their children in a supermarket may raise a few eyebrows in some circles.
And by "in some circles" i mean "on planet earth".
And by "may raise a few eyebrows" i mean "will send you to jail".

Just take a gander at Otis "Bullman" Hensley jr and his pedophile stash. If he even so much as looked at my daughter for more than a passing glance i would forcefully place my fist through his esophagus.

At least I know now that when I do purchase my monkey, "Furious George", I can't go around all willy-nilly and ask people if they want to spank him or touch him. Not only would this land me in jail, but i can't have people petting a monkey that was born and bred to knife fight in international waters.
That's just straight up irresponsible.

9 year old kid's stuff is so hard and fast

Can you imagine being too good at what you do?
Probably not, but i can.
It happens to me on a daily basis. Not the imagining part, but the part where i'm actually awesome at everything i do. People literally come up to me and say "damn.. you...you're too good at this that and the other thing".
true story.

Now imagine if i were punished for my vast awesomeness. What if i couldn't do any activity that i was awesome at? I would have to just sit at home and do nothing all day. Fuckin A, i bet i'd be awesome that that too.

Jericho Scott, a 9 year old kid in New Haven, is being kicked out of little league baseball because his pitching is too good.

• NEW HAVEN — Parents are angry. There are lawyers involved. Conflicting and wild accusations are flying. The adults are fighting over the kids. “The spirit of the league was community, family, well being, nurturing. It’s an extended family and it’s been disrupted,” said attorney Peter Noble, who represents Liga Juvenil De Baseball De New Haven, Spanish for Youth Baseball League of New Haven. The league is not affiliated with Little League baseball. The fighting started this week when Coach Wilfred Vidro refused a directive by league officials to replace 9-year-old pitcher Jericho Scott, whose pitching they say is so hard, fast and accurate that it might frighten or discourage other players.

Why aren't the parents simply tipping their cap and giving credit where credit is due?
Also didn't the parents realize their league is called "liga juvenil de baseball de new haven"?
Everyone in the world knows the best pitchers are all latin...pedro, mariano, santana.
If this were in Cuba he'd be signed to the NY Yankee minor(very minor) league system already and declared a national hero. Shit, at this point i'd put him in the yankees rotation immediately.
Speaking of Cuba, just imagine if little Elian Gonzalez had a quality fastball or 12 to 6 curve, he'd probably still be in America today.

100 things to do before you die

L.A. Times -Dave Freeman, an advertising agency executive who co-wrote "100 Things to Do Before You Die," an adventure-seeking and often unconventional travel guide that personified the way he lived his life, has died. He was 47.
Freeman died Aug. 17 after falling and hitting his head at his home in Venice, said his father, Roy.

Sounds like Dave forgot "thing" number 101, "always wear a helmet".
What a silly goose.

I watch you all the time

Who else, other than bat shit crazy people and carnies are you going to find at a carnival?
I really hate to blame the victim here, but he had to know this guy wanted to cut his head off and sleep next to it based solely on his insane appearance.

I think the lesson learned here is that if someone is holding a stuffed green frog and wearing a gigantic button with your face on it, don't talk to them because man they're really really really crazy.

I love how his words "i watch you all the time" can be interchanged seamlessly with any one of the following phrases:

"i want to eat your medulla oblongata while watching "golden girls" and sipping a nice glass of chianti"

or

"sometimes at night, when i'm dressed up like a women, i smear my lipstick on and put lit cigarettes out on my genitalia while watching you outline the next high pressure system"

Going for gold

I really haven't been watching the Olympics at all. But this picture pretty much sums up what china's been doing for the past 2 weeks.

-paralyzing a top chinese dancer
-swapping out girls to sing in the opening ceremony
-digitally enhancing the fireworks
-underage gymnasts
-stealing the bronze from Alicia Sacramone
-ignoring protest applications

Greatest baseball catch ever.

Nothing says "i love America" like baseball and beer....well except for maybe an American flag bandana or a t-shirt that says "i love america".
Check out the way he makes everyone think that catching the baseball in his beer was the end of the show. Then, just as he has you in a daze thinking "what the shit is he gonna do with all that baseball-beer", he slaps you in the face and chugs it.

Weekend at ...Angel Pantoja Medina's

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico (AP) — A Puerto Rican man has been granted his wish to remain standing — even in death. A funeral home used a special embalming treatment to keep the corpse of 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina standing upright for his three-day wake. Dressed in a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses, Pantoja was mourned by relatives while propped upright in his mother's living room. His brother Carlos told the El Nuevo Dia newspaper the victim had long said he wanted to be upright for his own wake: "He wanted to be happy, standing." The owner of the Marin Funeral Home, Damaris Marin, told The Associated Press the mother asked him to fulfill her dead son's last wish. Pantoja was found dead Friday underneath a bridge in San Juan and buried Monday. Police are investigating.

I only have two observations:

1. You know you're running with the wrong crowd when you're planning your own wake before the age of 24.

2. Why didn't he have a glock in his hand tilted sideways to finish off the ensemble?

China wins everything

Even in a top 20 gymnast crashes video china lies, steals and cheats its way into 1st place.

My favorites are 16, 11, 3 (because she thought she was a monchichi and could catch herself with her feet), and 2.

Top 20 Gymnast Crashes

ok ok no.1 is definitely growing on me.
I didn't realize it at first, so i had to look a few more times, but i think she went straight into "Drunken Fist" at the end of her routine.
BRILLIANT!

Python is

A.) A powerful language with dynamic introspection capabilities and advanced features like meta-classes, duck typing and decorators.

B.) A big fucking snake

The Garbage Man Can

When i was 9 i thought garbage trucks were fucking sweet. I also thought some bitch with a magic wand came into my room at night and gave me a lousy quarter every time i lost a tooth. but let me stress 'garbage trucks' in my previous statement. I never actually had any fondness for the filthy homeless man who came to throw our barrels around like ...well like yesterday's trash. I guess even at the young and tender age of 9, i knew deep down inside that being a garbage man was a filthy occupation with no real room for upward growth and mobility. Then again, i was never home schooled by a filthy drunk hippie who definitely took the brown acid at woodstock.

Who names their kid after they're favorite adult beverage anyway? Jameson clawhammer?! That name sounds better suited for the pr0n vids i watch on a lonely friday night while i simultaneously cry and touch myself to sleep.

Also if you're going to be home schooled, you should at least be smarter than the public school kids who are going to kick your ass and berate you on a daily basis. And you really can't afford to make spelling mistakes in your plea letter to the sanitation department. Listen i'm not here to point fingers at his mom, but when i was 9 and wrote pen pal letters i sure as shit checked my spelling. I don't think Jameson's mom is taking this whole 'raising my child and being his sole source of education' thing seriously. 'complicateh','timconsoming','arae', and 'garbageman' are all spelling mistakes a normal 3rd grader just can't fucking make. Especially if they want to seriously make it in today's trash disposal job market.

some of my favorite quotes:
"Look at that....solid waste beenie"

"That's a button for ah, pickin up the cans quicker"
Just a thought, but wouldn't you always want to pick the cans up quicker?
That's like having a button to half ass the job and another button to actually do the job correctly.

But my absolute favorite part of the video is when the groud breaking reporter asks garbage man of the year, rob overton, about his path in life. You can just hear the heartbreak and disappointment in his voice.
"Oh no i was going to play for the cincinati reds, yeah be a professional baseball player that's what I thought when i was 9. But uh...you know life has a way of.....you know...things change." AKA he loved a women who wasn't clean.



Now THIS is a real garbage man.
Angry at the world.

Going commando

I think i just found the greatest invention ever created by man.
Ladies and gentleman...... i give you the beerdolier.

A once crude accessory, which was master crafted with plastic cups and an old belt by only the most talented of Macgyver inspired partygoers, is now a mass produced mainstream reality.

This is exaclty like when pepsi came out with crystal pepsi. What a new and exciting time to be alive!

I can't wait to strap this fucker on and hear the following in my head as I lock and load each beer into each individual cozie:
You know what you are. What you're made of. War is in your blood. Don't fight it. You didn't kill for your country. You killed for yourself. God's never gonna make that go away. When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing. Live for nothing, or die for something
- John j. Rambo

And with each beer drank, i shall unsheathe a mighty new brew and regale all who are near with beerdolier quality quotes such as "Get to the choppa" and "If it bleeds, we can kill it".

Science miracle

British scientists have created a device to translate animal sounds into actual english words.

I'd be yelling too if i had rope tied around my head.

mo money mo problems

AUGUST 14--A Philadelphia man sought to extort money from New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin by claiming that he would expose details of extramarital affairs purportedly engaged in by the head of the reigning Super Bowl champions.
-link

Typical iggles fan. He doesn't even know how to properly extort money from a super bowl champion head coach. Coughlin and big blue need to send a message by deploying Justin Tuck and/or Osi Umenyiora to make a house call. Where, at said house, they will forcefully place a cheese steak sandwich into the iggles fan's anus.

or send carl

I'm going to live forever

I love old people, they just don't give a shit.
Much like borgnine's most famous,complex and influential role as veteran helicopter pilot Dominic Santini in airwolf.

He is a 13 year old chinese female gymnist. Wait. What?

So apparently the Olympics are happening in Asia somewhere.
America....FUCK YEAH.

Unfortunately i have only been able to watch aquaman, aka michael phelps, defacate all over every world class swimmer so i only know absolute domination up to this point. And i use the word swimmer because I couldn't actually bring myself to type the word athlete when talking about swimming. I group swimming in with other hobbies like golf, chess, race car driving, and tiddlywinks. I know the kid trains hard, but lets cut the bullshit people. The kid has size 14 feet.... nay flippers and that's borderline cheating in my book.
I digress.

Since it's been all phelps all the time, i've had little opportunity to view scantily clad young girls doing splits.... aka gymnastics. I did catch some last tuesday and immediately knew that the chinese were running with a crew of 8 year old mutants. There is no way in hell any of those girls were a day over 13....and here is proof:

"BEIJING -- Just nine months before the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese government's news agency, Xinhua, reported that gymnast He Kexin was 13, which would have made her ineligible to be on the team that won a gold medal this week." (link)

I think we can all learn a very valuable lesson here:
We need to start adopting more awesome names in this country.


call me old fashioned, but its my dream that one day my child will be able to pronounce at the most opportune time "it's ok everyone, i'm batman".

dare to dream people.
(raises fist) daaaare

Oh my agod

"TOKYO, Japan (AP) -- Government workers throughout Aichi Prefecture in western Japan heard a message saying there was a ballistic missile attack after it was mistakenly played. The message said: "This is information about a ballistic missile attack. This area is being targeted for an attack." Local government spokesman Masashi Aoyama said the message was broadcast by accident on Wednesday during a test at city hall in Nagoya, 170 miles (270 kilometers) west of Tokyo. Workers and visitors in roughly 20 government buildings through the prefecture heard the alert, which was cut off before it finished. A correction was played shortly after."

I've actually obtained a transcript of the correction that was played:
"ohhh (breathes through teeth) .......ummmm...yeah....sorry about that, its Jim's first day."

Sometimes monkeys look like missiles.
I bet Jim just saw a monkey.

you sumonabitch

looks like harassing old armenians is a lot funer-er than .......well pretty much anything. Also, for a gentleman who claims to not be a homosexual so adamantly, he really wants that hotel clerk to fellate him.
gay.

Journey AT the center of the earth

I would totally see this movie.

Don't judge me monkey

This is the best video I've ever seen of chimps ice skating to the rocky theme.
EVER.



If I ever get a monkey I'm absolutely going to name him Furious George.
Oh Monkeys! Is there anything they can't do?!
And if you don't think it would be hilarious to let a chimp loose in the office right now(or any other place where Furious may or may not rip someones lips off), then we cannot be friends anymore.

3 beds, 2.5 baths and 1 hooker

Some lady in Georgia hired a "home staging company" to help sell her house.
Apparently "home staging company" in the peach state is just another word for "we're going to turn your house into a den of sin with dirty pirate hookers".
True story.

The really good stuff comes around the 3 minute mark.



I have never been more SHOCKED in my life!....1,500!???!
Not only am I completely shocked at what this slob can charge, I'm more shocked the homeowner is upset. Lets just think about this logically for a second. If that dirty hooker can sell her train wreck of a body for $1500, don't you think she sure as shit can move a $450,000 house?

Holy cow

"A TWISTED oddball with an insatiable animal fetish was arrested after allegedly having sex with 400 cows."

400 Cows?! How does one even track the sexual habits of a cow fucker? Is it as simple as just asking him? I bet police didn't even divide that number by 3 to account for an overly boastful cow casanova. In my opinion that's just shoddy police work. Not only is this guy going to jail for loving cows, but the cops are trying to pin some cow deaths on him too. Listen i'm not trying to defend a cow fucker, but come on, the cops could pretty much pin whatever they wanted on this guy.

Contrary to popular belief, fucking cows may damage your credibility.

I'm pretty sure the interrogation went something like this:
Cops: "listen we're going to charge you with fucking cows, stealing the Mona Lisa and killing princess Diana."
Cow Fucker: "But I didn't steal the Mona Lisa or kill princess Diana."
Cops: "um....you're a cow fucker."
Cow fucker: "well played sir."
end scene


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