sweden = ripping it to shreds....motherf*cker

as quickly as you can, snatch the pebble from my hand.

David Carradine's wife and his manager disputed suggestions that the actor's death was a suicide, while rescue workers and police in Bangkok, Thailand, said the actor's neck and genitals were found bound with rope.

A member of the emergency crew who was called to the hotel after a maid found Carradine told CNN that a yellow nylon rope was tied around the actor's neck and a black rope was around his genitals. Police later confirmed that information.

say it ain't so grasshopper.
well, i guess he should have taken the advice of jonah hill in knocked up.

"Tell him he shouldn't jerk off with a noose around his neck, it's dangerous. Oh, and tell him if he does, he should have a teammate or a spotter."

full story here

i can has genetic chemical mutations?

The long-haired white feline was born a normal kitten, but started to develop furry wing-like appendages on either side of its back when it was just a year old.
Scientists believe the growths may be the result of a genetic mutation caused by chemicals during its mother's pregnancy. Alternatively, the cat which was discovered in Chongqing, China, may be a freak that developed from two embryos.
However, the puss does not seem to be bothered by its wings, and it was quick enough to swoop on any cat biscuits dished up.
Chongqing is known as one of China's hottest cities and, following the discovery of this cat, the air there is certainly getting a bit moggy

When your cat mysteriously grows wings, its time to move. Actually when you're living in the hottest city in china, its definitely time to move. I hate walking near chinatown during the summer, i can't even imagine how much the hottest city in china smells like absolute garbage.

Did scientists ever consider this cat simply wants to fly the fuck out of china?

Signs

I'm just happy to see you.

SANTA ANA, Calif. – Prosecutors say a traveler tried smuggling songbirds into the United States by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs and trying to walk out of Los Angeles International Airport.

Sony Dong and another man were charged Tuesday with conspiracy in an eight-count federal indictment. Messages left with their public defenders weren't immediately returned.

The U.S. attorney's office says Dong was held over for inspection at the airport when he returned from Vietnam earlier this month. Prosecutors say he had bird feathers and droppings on his socks, and birds' tail feathers peeking out from under his pants.

Smuggling birds? really!!!???
The only good news here is that i've found the most hilariously awesome name known to man....Sony Dong.
Listen dong, I know smuggling songbirds may net you about $360 per bird, and with about 12 birds on you that's about $4320. wow. congratulations you're not rich.

lets do some math:
So How much are tickets to vietnam? Hmmmm we'll call it $1100, but believe me if i'm smuggling birds in my pants don't think for 2 seconds i'm not upgrading to first class. It's one thing to sit on a plane with birds shitting in your socks, but once you get those free drinks and hot towels its a whole different ballgame.

Ok so with first class tickets that's probably about $2000, so he's only netting around $2320.

What a coincidence because that's exactly how much i'd pay to NOT have 12 birds shitting in my shoes while on a 900 hour flight accross planet earth.

Serial Grapist

This is, hands down, the funniest thing i've seen in a long time.

The dating game

Bachelor #1

Louis is a self proclaimed "wild and crazy guy" and a "Barrel of laughs", who lives with roomates. Those roomates just so happen to be his parents who wished Louis would take his ritalin. His parents also discredit his "barrel of laughs" statement with their own idiom..."a barrel of dissapointment".
His weekends are filled with disturbing japanese anime fantasies,dungeon and dragon quests to increase his sorcerers dexterity, and doing chores to earn his allowance.
One year from now Louis hopes to have passed level 17, grown shoulders and stopped "losing at life".

Bachelor #2

Danny is a sensitive handyman with the delicate physique of a tennis player. An avid gardener who is often seen digging in his backyard into the wee hours during thunderstorms, while dragging large contractor bags behind him. Danny describes himself as "warm and sensempheze" and a deep thinker who's idea of a romantic dream date is: a...romantic...dream...date, wit roses and mooosic. Danny's handler, Jim, describes him as a simple man who sometimes confuses every day activities as super powers, such as urinating or walking. Jim also wished danny actually had looked both ways before crossing that street.

Bachelor #3

Ronald is looking for anyone who will go out with him.
A true patriot whos "fading glory"(an advanced mullet) can only be kept at bay with an american flag doo rag.
Ronald, or playa59, is fed up with gold diggers who only want him for his money ever since his voice over work on the movie "sling blade".
He's a poet who loves to woo the ladies with his mastery of the haiku:

'Let's go to Wal-mart
need cheese puffs and wine coolers
Damn, the house won't start'

Ronald hopes to simply find someone who'll "just get me another busch".

To start, press Any key. So where's the ANY key?

Below is an epic FAIL email thread hot off the presses.
A customer support friend of mine, here at work, found himself in an interesting battle of wits against a top CEO of another company. However, shortly after reading the first 8 characters of the CEO's email, I began to suspect he was simply a 12 year old Dominican boy with displaced anger from the world baseball classic loss to the Netherlands.

I'm pretty sure the only thing this guy is in charge of is taking out the garbaje and recycling on Tuesdays and picking up his little brother from mariachi practice Saturday afternoons.

From: ESIVOIP
Sent: Sunday, March 22, 2009 7:51 PM
To: USA - Customer Support
Cc: EUSupport
Subject: Request Access To Customer Portal

I atended a Web inorder to atten thi was forced to instal I tais xxxxxxx A piso Of. Garbaje , , now not let me remove it , i need instruction how remove this junk idmediate io lossing time and frose my computer i i ca't do my work . if you do not get back to me idmediate i will sue you companys for a 100.000 per Hour , you entrape the people to use this garbaje and do not allow to remove , you have 24 to replay , additional i will put all over the internet this way no one use this Garbaje and abuse to force you to use , you ber call me idmediate

Mr. Escobar
ESI VOIP
________________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 10:44 AM
To: ESIVOIP
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

Mr. Escobar,

If you want to remove the xxxxxxx software all you have to do is uninstall it from Add/Remove programs in Windows (any version).
The xxxxxxx software can't prevent you from uninstalling it, so if you are having trouble removing the software you may need to check with your IT for further assistance.

Thank You,
Customer Support

________________________________

From: ESIVOIP
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 12:20 PM
To: Customer Support
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

I did it the stupid software lacks when I intent to remove you need to get some one to call me and , I will give access to see what dos this is entrapment from xxxxxxxx to force people to keep your Junk , as I say before I will star take action and put over the internet this way no one will use this Junk .

Mr.Escobar
ESI VOIP

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 1:49 PM
To: ESIVOIP
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

Mr.Escobar,

Again, I will explain how to remove the software:

1. Go to Start > Settings > Control Panel

2. Open "Add or Remove Programs" and search for AT&T Connect Participant

3. Select it and choose "Remove"

Our software does not have the ability to force you to use it, I am not sure why you are claiming that. As your company, ESI VOIP, is not an xxxxxxxxx customer I assume you downloaded the application when you attended a web event hosted by one of our customers.

Our application also does not have the ability to prevent you from uninstalling it. This means if you still cannot uninstall the software with my simple instructions above, your issue is not with xxxxxxxxx but with your own computer.


Customer Support

________________________________

From: ESIVOIP [xxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 2:02 PM
To: Customer Support
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

What you think I am stupid? That is an insult I going to trash you so bad over the internet that you company will be sorry I know how do it , is your Garbage that some how Delivery Blocking to not allow to be removed you have a major Bug , after I do it still the stupid Logo of xxxxxxx, show as remove and then frizz the computer .

Get your act together and get me out of that Junk .

Mr.Escobar
ESI VOIP

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
To: ESIVOIP
Sent: Mon Mar 23 14:19:57 2009
Subject: RE: Request Access To Customer Portal

Mr.Escobar,

You should check with your IT at this point, anything blocking you from removing our client is not related to our installation package.

Please understand we have thousands of users that install and uninstall our software every day. What you are describing is not a feature of our software, we do not try to prevent a user from uninstalling anything. If you lack Administrator rights, or perhaps you installed the software under a different user account, you may need to log in as Administrator to uninstall it. This is something only you can verify.

As you are determined to be confrontational and very unprofessional at this point I will no longer be assisting you. Consider this my last email response.

Customer Support

I'd rather be poor.

BEIJING (Reuters) – Only two memories brought tears to Sun Yaoting's eyes in old age -- the day his father cut off his genitals, and the day his family threw away the pickled remains that should have made him a whole man again at death.

For centuries in China, the only men from outside the imperial family who were allowed into the Forbidden City's private quarters were castrated ones. They effectively swapped their reproductive organs for a hope of exclusive access to the emperor that made some into rich and influential politicians

Guess where i'd really have no desire to waltz through back in old school china? That's right, the forbidden city's private quarters. Considering i'd have to cut off my own private quarters to gain access, it really doesn't sound like a good business decision. Also, correct me if i'm wrong here, but isn't the whole purpose of becoming rich and famous the ability to USE your genitals on individuals that are way out of your league and/or age bracket? I like to call this the Michael douglas effect.

I'm pretty sure a eunuch woke up, forgetting what happened and thought, "wow i'm so rich and famou....oh no I almost forgot I don't have my genitals anymore...lol lol lol". Hey, sometimes I wake up on Thursday and totally think it's Friday, so man that could have definitely happened.

But think the most important lesson here is that ancient china was filled will bad decision making, genital-less individuals who built a big wall to keep people with genitals out of their country.

Another good lesson is not to cut off your genitals.

Bow to your sensei

Naked man sought karate fight

GETTYSBURG, Pa., March 10 (UPI) -- Authorities in Pennsylvania said a man pleaded guilty to indecent exposure after he emerged naked from his home and challenged his neighbors to a karate fight.

Gary Jones, 47, pleaded guilty to a first-degree misdemeanor charge. Three children less than 16 years of age were among those who saw him walk out of his house naked, The (Hanover, Pa.) Evening Sun reported Tuesday.

Jones, of Gettysburg, was sentenced to one month in jail followed by two months of house arrest and 21 months of probation. He was also ordered to avoid contact with his neighbors and to pay a $200 fine.

Police said Jones emerged naked from his home after consuming alcohol Aug. 1 and approached neighbors Dennis Hucks, Gary Kerns and Andrea Orndorff while Huck's three children played nearby. He told the men that he knew karate and asked if any of them wanted to fight.

Jones allegedly told officers that he knew leaving his house naked was illegal, but he came out anyway because he is a "serious martial artist."

First of all, why didn't anyone accept his challenge? This seems like a slam dunk win for anyone who isn't named Gary Jones. What happened to freedom of speech and freedom of martial arts? Isn't this type of behavior covered under our constitution or the geneva convention?

If serious-naked-drunk karate is wrong, then I sure as hell don't ever want to be right.

I really hope the cop who arrested him knocked down that setup gary left for him.

Gary: "I know leaving my house naked is illegal, but i'm a serious martial artist"
Cop: "well sir, you are seriously going to jail".

zing!

I'm strong to the finish when I eats me spinach

Police seize 1,200 pounds of pot in spinach cans

Police with the New Mexico Motor Transportation Division found 1,200 pounds of pot packed in cans labeled as spinach during a stop at the Gallup port of entry. An inspector noticed that only a few of the cans were labeled and that the weight printed on the side of the can didn't match the actual weight. A closer look during last Friday's bust revealed the canned drugs, which were worth an estimated $1.5 million

This is all starting to make sense now.
- Corn cob pipe
- Squinty eyes (possible signs of advanced glaucoma)
- He thinks olive oyl is hot (obviously his judgement is impared)

Life choices indeed Ms. Martin.

Pinellas teacher-student nude photos case continues

There is no indication the Pinellas middle school teacher accused of trading nude photos with a 14-year-old boy had improper relationships with other children, authorities said Monday.

Martin, who earned $37,300, taught five computer classes and one "life choices" course, which involved teaching students about positive relationships, self-esteem building and conflict resolution, said Pinellas spokeswoman Andrea Zahn.

First of all why do I care how much my nomination for "teacher of the year award" makes annually? That is completely irrelevant. What is relevant is what a complete train wreck this woman is. And by train wreck I mean angel sent from heaven. Where was Ms. Martin when I was going to school? Perhaps being ignored by her father. Who knows, and I can only speculate at the soul crushing youth travesties she had to endure to get where she is today. And where she is today is definitely jail...or halfway to mexico to work as a drug mule for the mexican Sinaloa cartel.

I don't understand why no one else sees what an amazing teacher ms.Martin is.
She built the shit out of this kids self esteem.

damn you walt whitman. damn you to hell.

click picture to enlarge


This is quite possibly the greatest english paper i've ever read by someone named peter nguyen.

This is also why i could never be a teacher. why you ask?
well i'll tell you why : Its because i would absolutely give this kid an A+ for being awesome........ly accurate with his historical recollections regarding Emily Dickenson, Candy, whiny goth poetry and livejournal's direct link to said poetry.

Also why does his teacher have the penmanship of a 4 year old?

His name is joel, and he loves the pole.

I'm not a father yet, but there's one thing i know fo sho' about being a father.
"They don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper...you fucked up".
-chris rock.

So I can only imagine how Joel's father feels.
Hopefully he is dead, or too old to know what the "interwebs" is.


Warning: what you are about to see, cannot be unseen.




Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the COUP DE GRACE.




Can you imagine going over to Joel's house to watch a football game, or simply for dinner and discovering this "dungeon of pole"? Can you believe this guy is married and has a DAUGHTER?!!!!! I'd love to see the vegas odds on his daughter becoming a stripper. Hey don't get me wrong though, i'd never step foot in this guys house. I'd punch Joel square in his level-5-sex-offender-rapist-glasses if he so much as smiled at me.

But you keep dancing Joel.
You go girl.

Hassssssssan Chop!

Orchard Park police are investigating a particularly gruesome killing, the beheading of a woman, after her husband — an influential member of the local Muslim community — reported her death to police Thursday

Muzzammil Hassan is the founder and chief executive officer of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light.

I would definitely consider "beheading your wife" in the top 10 things NOT to do in order to "portray muslims in a more positive light".
Other things on that list include, but are not limited to(in no particular order):
- Suicide bombings
- Wearing puma speed cats with track pants and armani exchange shirts


Full Story Here

I could tell you, but then i'd have to ki--nevermind i'll just take 14K.

Fantasist stole £14k from girlfriend by pretending to be a James Bond-style agent.

Whisky shop salesman Wayne Gouveia cheated Leanne McCarthy of £14,000 after convincing her that her jeweller boss was about to poison her with anthrax powder in her mail.
He even made the 21-year-old jeweller's assistant sign the Official Secrets Act to keep up the pretence that he was a James Bond-style secret agent.
Miss McCarthy was taken in by Gouveia's story when they worked in shops in Turl Street, Oxford.
After Gouveia, 25, pleaded guilty to three charges of fraud by false representation [[on Monday]], Miss McCarthy described him as "really believable".

Really believable? REALLY BELIEVABLE?!
At first I was outraged and couldn't understand how this lady could believe such malarkey. However, it soon struck me who this young man really is.
It's my favorite actor, and yours, and star of such hit TV shows and movies 'king of queens', 'Hitch', 'I now pronounce you chuck and larry', 'Paul Blart- Mall cop', and 'Elmo's Christmas Countdown'....Kevin James.



His acting skills knows no bounds.
Who else could have bamboozled a young woman into thinking a balding, fat train wreck of a human being was a secret agent?
Perhaps al roker , but we'll never know.

Awwww.......anarchy.

"Anarchists share few of the beliefs of mainstream society - except the desire to be with someone special on Valentine's Day. So the once-notorious group Class War is marking 14 February with a speed-dating event.

Better known for generating outraged headlines - the group was blamed by Fleet Street for instigating 1990's Trafalgar Square poll tax riots, and featured a regular page three "hospitalised copper" in its own newspaper - its activists have arrived upon a fresh tactic to advance the downfall of bourgeois society. Speed dating."

um. Doesn't this completely undermine their bad ass anarchist ideals?
organizing?! With a form of authority?! For Valentines Day?!!!
I wonder how many scooby doo and/or superman valentine's day cards were distributed via moltov cocktail.

I stand corrected.

This is the best video ever.

I even stopped using computers after my last post thinking there was nothing on the interwebs which could possibly eclipse the sheer awesomeness of my last video post.

Holy hog shit was i wrong.




I'll be flat out honest with you. I wasn't completely sold on this video at first and I almost went back to work. But i'm glad i didn't, and so will you.
Just wait until minute 1:02 hits and you'll get your face totally rocked off by the one and only Mark "the pedophile" Gormley.

Did they promise that girl drugs?

When Phil Thomas Katt and Mike Gormley ask you to be in their music video you run and you run fast. I have little to no sympathy for this girl and her family, who undoubtedly have just found out their daughters head was discovered in the freezer of one Mark Gormley. I don't care how much of a starving actress/model you are. You need to keep your day job at Hooters and earn that money the old fashioned way, by the hour serving my drunk ass wings. There's no such thing as a free ride ladies.
Unless it's in an A-team van with tinted windows, a shag rug, Mark Gormley at the wheel and your corpse in the back.


I'm just wondering when the word "intense" became synonymous with the words "awful horse shit".

lets try it out.

girl: "hey want to go to dim sum saturday"
me: "sure"
me: "wow these boiled chicken feet are really intense!"